Update on life

 Long time no see :)

Currently listening to "Adela - Nicole Kidman". I'm also about to have my period AND I'm off the pill. So you know my mood is going bonkers ;P

My boyfriend came to visit, my shopping addiction is on Max volume, and I can't decide whether I'm the hottest b*tch on the plannet or the ugliest fattest one. I've started watching ANTM season 1 and it's incredible. But going back to my relationship, because that's what's been on the back of my mind.

Thanks to my therapist, I've realized I lack feeling loved and desired in my relationship. I'm very critical and nitpicky so my boyfriends' coping mechanism has been sort of disappearing from the relationship. At least that's the conclusion I've come to, because of course me dating myself also has to be my fault somehow. I even feel bad about writing this. My boyfriend is the sweetest. He is caring and loving, and I know he really does love me. And I love him. But somehow that just hasn't been enough, at least for me. I feel that lacking when I look for other thrills. Maybe I'm a dopamine/adrenaline junkie. I feel so guilty, and it makes me sad.

I wish I could be like him and just not have a problem with anything ever. Even though that's not true of course. I wish I cared less? Hmm... maybe caring isn't the right word. Or is it? I think he cares. Just not at the same level as I do...

How am I supposed to imagine a future with someone I'm not so sure of? I do, but at the same time I don't. I don't want to suffer. And he makes me suffer. Not on purpose though... and that's the worst part of it. He doesn't cheat or flirt with other girls. I'm not as holy. Yet the trust issues lie in me - and it isn't because the call is coming from inside the house, I just wanted to make that clear. I have never cheated on him nor do I intend to. Because it's not just about that. It's more complicated than that. I don't know if I have trust in him in terms of our future. He's said many times he wants to be with me, he doesn't imagine a future without me. But when the time came, he wasn't ready to move in with me. 

Now that he came over, it was so great. He makes me laugh. He loves me, and makes me feel good inside. But he also annoys me. A lot. It's like he relies on me for everything. Again, maybe I made him be that way, with my obsession with perfectionism. But sometimes I feel like I'm here alone, dating myself, and like I'm the only one fighting for this relationship.

How do I deal with all of this? I don't. At least, not in a "good" way. My brain starts to think that the grass is probably greener on the other side. Maybe I should date someone else? But then I remember the bad parts about that someone else, and that seems way worse. So then I think all men are incompetent and sort of useless. And I'm better off alone or dating some billionaire 'cause then at least I'd "be rich", and fill my heart with things. But I know deep down that won't make me happy. Very deep down.

I crave attention of others. Approval of others. Desire in others. And that is not only his fault. Yes, he has a wall up, the guards at the gates, and the hounds ready and steady. But I have my demons too, sadly. 

So, since I can't decide my usual "should I stay with him dilemma", I stay with him. And then try to make myself feel better by shopping, attention seeking and all sorts of shananigans. (pretty sure I butchered that word sorry). 

I really do love him. I think. That's why I want to stay. But I'm grown enough to know just love isn't enough. Is it?

xoxo,

Catalina